He slips into my DMs. Hey baby, looking for a sugar baby. I will pay your rent, your bills and give you $5000 allowance per week. Just need a companion.
Hilarious. OBVIOUSLY this is not a thing. I call my friend to tell her so I can share this hilarious message with someone. Between laughter, she tells me she knows people who do this for a living.
I’m sorry what?
After extensive research down a google rabbit hole, y’all this is ABSOLUTELY a thing. My brain is about to explode as the realization that I’ve been dating older guys most of my life… for FREE. That although there’s different types of sugar daddies, you don’t have to have sex with them. And even better—SOME JUST WANT TO TALK ON THE PHONE. I’m like, wait what?! If this is a thing, THIS IS THE GIG. BRING ON THE PRADA BAGS. Instead of it being a huge joke, I’m now beginning to feel cautiously optimistic with a healthy dose of skepticism.
I write my pending sugar daddy back: Go on. I’m listening…
He’s cute. He lives in Florida. He has a dog. He just wants a digital sugar baby. Phone and text.
I sit in silence. Thinking. Wondering. Googling: Is this illegal. Can I go to JAIL.
No. and No. Well what the heck is the catch? THERE HAS TO BE A CATCH. Other than the fact that I wouldn’t really be able to tell anybody…kinda seems a little gold-diggerish if you ask me. But hey, I didn’t seek it out. It seems to have fallen in my lap. Who am I to turn down a financial blessing in the middle of a global pandemic in a world where how I make my living doesn’t exist at the moment?
I sit in more silence. Listening to my gut. Asking myself, but is it safe? And also, if this is indeed a thing, I could have been a millionaire long ago. I don’t even have to see him in person?! The real question is, is there a maximum number of sugar daddies one girl can have?
Pending Sugar Daddy and I message back and forth. I notice he mixes up his you’re/yours and they/they’re/theirs. RED FLAG.
I notice he’s not great at making conversation over messages. And if he’s looking to spend THAT much money on a “companion” over messages…that’s another RED FLAG.
I notice he’s offered me more money than the Sugar Baby average that google reports. I think about it. But then I’m like…yeah…I’m pretty expensive. And I’m worth it. But then again… a good businessman would start lower and then be willing to negotiate up. RED FLAG.
I’m starting to feel like…yeah. There’s no way THIS dude is for real. Even though this actually is a thing and many people do it, I think this guy is full of you know what. Any man who is that rich, who can afford a sugar baby at those rates, he’s got to be very intelligent. Right? You don’t get that rich by being a dumbass. Right? Surely you’re able to form a sentence. And he has some mighty trouble forming a sentence.
So I decide to not trust him. (Phew! Amiright?) BUT, if you know me, you know I live for a good rollercoaster of events. So I play along until the SCAM part reveals itself and becomes full blown. Now, the worst-case scenario becomes that if I actually receive a $5000 deposit, I’m a freaking sugar baby! LOL! AAHHH!!
I call up PayPal. I talk to a representative to make sure I’m protected from shady ass peeps. They give me the lowdown. They’re in my corner. I give my paypal link to Pending Sugar Daddy.
He seems eager to get started. I don’t blame him. I’m cute. Haha.
BUT THEN, he says he needs to talk to his manager about the transfer.
AND THEN he says I have to message the manager myself.
I’m like… And so it begins. I keep my best friend in the loop every step of the way. The “manager” can ALSO barely form a sentence. I’m thinking, Jeeze. They could try a little harder. He tells me he’s initiating the transfer. I look at Vanessa. I’m like, “GIRL. What do I do if they actually send me the money?!” We start laughing. She’s like… “You will officially be the winner of life. Spend it immediately.”
The manager starts sending me screenshots of the transaction. And BOOM like a ton of bricks, I feel in my spirit EXIT. NOW. At the exact same time, Vanessa receives a phone call and it rings out loud. I say, do you need to get that? She says causally, “Naw. It literally says Scam Alert.”
She literally was receiving a phone call that said SCAM ALERT that had nothing to do with me. But had everything to do with me. I can just picture my Guides on the other side being like, THIS SIGN IS FOR YOU, SALISHA! ARE YOU LISTENING?!
You bet I’m listening.
Right then, the manager says, “You have not much time to get a redeemable card so I can confirm your payment.”
They want me to upload X amount of money so that I can complete the transfer. HA!
I didn’t remember PayPal mentioning that I would need to upload money to complete a transfer: BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS.
Man. If I was an undercover cop, I would have gotten them!
I message back the manager: No thanks. I’m out.
I message back Pending Sugar Daddy: Cold hard cash. Or I’m out. (lol, who am I.)
Vanessa and I are literally laughing at these guys as they actually try and convince me that it’s for real. It reminded me of the time that the “IRS” called me on the phone to yell at me. I’m like… hmmm….First of all, I didn’t do anything wrong. And I don’t owe them anything. Secondly, I feel like they would just send snail mail or show up on the doorstep. You feel me? They don’t yell at people because they don’t need to do that.
ANYWAY. I’m safe. I don’t have a sugar daddy. It would have been kind of exciting. But, God’s provided for me just fine in this time of WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD. Although I have no idea what the future brings, I’ll just keep planting seeds and trusting that God will keep being my provider. And I’m also keeping my fingers crossed that the man in my life can form a sentence.